friday: had sex w/ random guy on a random balcony at 3 am
saturday: met up w/ guy from okc and almost had sex on steps of art museum but instead came home and fucked in my bed. 

this has been a weird weekend for me and I don’t know how i feel about this stranger sex. it grosses me out and is very unlike me to do this but i also had a lot of fun and want more sex. I just wanna get checked for stds this week and then i think i’ll feel ok as long as i’m still clean (!!!). i want more more more sex though. the guy on friday gave me an amazing orgasm via oral but saturday guy really took control and it was pretty sexy. completely different experiences with different benefits. if i could have sex with both of them on a consistent basis i would be content. mehhh sex is fun. i have been in this black hole of depression for a long time and the thought of sex repulsed me but i am steadily taking my medication and have been feeling energetic and upbeat and confident and like a sexual being again. maybe too sexual. i dunno!!!! ps: pls send anti-std vibes~  

2:56 pm  •  21 August 2016  •  1 note

tfw: meeting a rly cool person on okc but they live 6 hrs away 

8:01 pm  •  5 August 2016  •  1 note

energetic and happy today. I want to go out and get drunk and have that kind of fun and be silly and talk to people and make friends and make out !

4:51 pm  •  4 August 2016  •  1 note

(Source: actualdogvines)

9:00 pm  •  31 July 2016  •  1,060 notes

my ever increasing desire to feel love from another person makes me feel worthless and like I’ve failed myself.

8:59 pm  •  31 July 2016

today i feel really out of place and restless and unsure and insecure and confused but still kind of okay because I’m getting used to this feeling. I don’t like it but I am getting used to it. I do wonder if I will ever feel good and content for more than a fleeting moment. The other night I went to a David Bowie tribute concert with my family I danced with Ben like a maniac and I wasn’t wearing makeup and literally had pajamas on and had barfed earlier that day but I remember looking around and feeling really hmm fulfilled I guess. Like it was ok to be a person and it was ok to be me and everybody else is just being them and navigating life and it’s so easy for me to forget that but in that moment everything felt nice and I was at peace. I also felt this last night as I took a short bike ride. The weather was nice and I saw people on their porches and I was thinking about how it would have been a nice night to ride with Rich and that made me sad but I also felt really just ok and like life was moving and I was still safe and alive with a beating heart.  I am often so conflicted about what I want. I am trying to understand it better. I know I have spent my entire life making things comfortable for other people and I want their approval and to make them happy and I am being inspired by recent life events and one certain girl I work with to do things for me more often. To not worry about always making everybody else feel good because it usually makes me feel bad or angry or resentful. Definitely resentful. It’s such a struggle and I wonder if it’s the right thing to do because it goes against everything I’ve done up until now. Anyway I’m struggling with sitting inside or riding my bike or spending time with my family or going to the book store. I’m getting frustrated with myself. I usually end up picking the option that leaves me at home and isolated and sad. I don’t know if the way I feel is just life and how everybody feels or if I am still depressed. I know when I am anxious because I don’t eat and I can’t really sleep and I don’t do things like paint my nails or read or knit but depression is something that is really um I can’t think of the word but it’s so sinister and evasive and hard for me to pin down. Will I ever crawl out of this hole? I remember a few years ago I felt amazing and I looked amazing and my plants were all blooming. Maybe it’s rose colored glasses. I don’t know. 

3:08 pm  •  30 July 2016

i really need to accept myself for who i am. but that is something i am very confused about. shouldn’t i know who i am at 24? i don’t know. maybe some people never really know that… 

anyway i’ve been working like crazy and had a bunch of shit to do the past few days and i am so tired i just want to sleep and sleep but i can’t :(

7:36 pm  •  24 July 2016

i made it my intention to be accepting in class today but there was a teacher I’ve never had before and I really did not enjoy her style of teaching and I spent most of the class thinking about how awful she was and how i wanted to just go home. so I guess I wasn’t accepting at all which is generally what happens in my daily life. I don’t even know how to start being accepting though? breathe and let it go? i’m really bad at letting go. i guess i don’t get HOW to let go. I have gotten better at letting things float through my mind and not engaging but i still obsess and cling to thoughts and engage in self destructive thinking/ behavior. umm forgot where i was going with this. i’m trying to accept more things i don’t like and be more open in my life to new experiences but i have no idea how to do it. 

i have felt very conflicted today. to go to yoga or not. to go to the burning books event or not. to crochet or not. to shower or not. to cook a healthy dinner or not. to scrape my bowl for resin or not. to delete my okcupid or not. i am usually confused and conflicted about major decisions but today the smallest decision was really difficult. i just feel restless lately. or maybe just stuck. stagnant. bored. unhappy with my life. i know i can change but i don’t want to let other people down. i think i’m really shaken up by everything that’s happened with rich. it was like this amazing glimpse into happiness with another person that i haven’t felt in so long. i’m still holding out hope that he will one day text me and say he wants to start hanging out again but i doubt that will happen. he texts me once in a while but i deleted his number and delete the texts after i respond so i’m not tempted to save it again. i really do wish i hadn’t met him. i’d rather not have this heart ache. i am glad i met him and had some really amazing experiences with him. and if nothing else he opened my eyes and helped me realize that not everybody is an awful person and there are genuinely kind and thoughtful people out there. 

7:42 pm  •  20 July 2016

i was looking through old photos on here and wow i used to be so girly!! also saw a pic of me and miles kissing and thought that I can’t even remember the last time i kissed somebody and it was casual and didn’t lead right to sex/ i was that level of comfortable with somebody.ugh. forever alone!! 

11:02 pm  •  10 July 2016

(Source: vvhack, via d0gbl0g)

9:37 pm  •  5 June 2016  •  1,323,127 notes

fucking screaming with joy !!!!!

8:39 pm  •  5 June 2016

4:55 pm  •  5 June 2016  •  33,905 notes

o and while eating pizza an older man came up to us and said “you two look like a promising couple. here’s my card. I play weddings!” he was a piano player and I told him I didn’t plan on getting married but the whole situation was very cute and made me blush. 

11:53 pm  •  1 June 2016

(Source: cooldogs, via d0gbl0g)

11:48 pm  •  1 June 2016  •  190 notes

the highest point i’ve been (besides on a plane). followed by pizza and accidentally tickling an ant 

11:47 pm  •  1 June 2016